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SILENCE: A DARK VOICE

 SOMEONE HEAR MY SILENCE 


Fighting back the tears, trying to grasp at your voice, determined to empower your body to move...to just pick up the pen to write something down, the voice in your head tells you, "Pick up the pen, write it down, make a note, it's so easy to move your hand toward the pen...pick it up!" Yet nothing, no movement, no thought as to how this will play out, your brain says, "What's the point? There's no point." You know you don't matter, nobody cares if you're alive, you don't even care if you're alive, everything is all wrong, if fact just being on this earth, being alive feels wrong. It feels like you're a prisoner of your own mind and body. It's said that depression is a mental struggle. Struggle? It's more than a "struggle." It's overwhelming when you can't breathe and there's the weight of an elephant on your chest, it's impossible to push something as heavy as an elephant off your body. So when you stare at a writing pen and try to just pick it up, well that action might be a "struggle," but it's actually an insurmountable fight between your body and brain that doesn't allow you to function, while your brain and thoughts torment you all the while agony stir up inside you. 

It's more than a sadness that manifests inside. You'll hear people say, "Just smile," or "Everyone gets sad sometimes, just get over it." If making yourself smile or switching a thought would make the emptiness that takes place disappear, then one would do it. Nobody wants to suffer as if you're being held captive in a cage you're not allowed the freedom to take control over the situation. This is especially troubling when you're the one that's imprisoning yourself. If you're a prisoner that can't escape, what good is a smile? You're still being held hostage, only you're the one holding yourself  hostage. This is unexplainable to someone that can function and laugh in life. What does it feel like to live a normal life? 

There's no reason a person doesn't want to have the energy to move around, laugh, talk to people, to be able to at least have hope that a bad situation or bad feeling can change. What would it feel like to have hope? Hope that just struggling to turn your brain around would give you something to look forward to. There's no hope when you're fighting a battle on your own. You can find yourself surrounded by others, while fighting this battle alone. Why doesn't anybody notice all the exploding bombs that are going off? That's when you need to walk away so no eyes are set on the grenade you're holding in your hand. This is a trap that just continues to cycle. Nobody hears your voice when your silent.    

You want to redefine yourself. It's in those darkest moments, when you have less power than you did earlier, when you try to push your voice through the silence, when you just wish this battle was only a struggle, it's that very moment you hit your knees and cry out to The Lord. You don't even need to talk, you need no voice, He hears you through the silence. It's only Gold that can reframe your thoughts and find you the help you need. Feeling abandoned and in despair, full of distrust, you can take the chance and call on God. It's ore than challenging, but with His help you can find hope. There's hope for help, hope for treatment, hope that the negative emotions can be managed, even though you know normal people can not understand where you are, where you've been, where you're coming from, there can still be some kind of connection. 

Although not understood, there's a lifeline that has been thrown to you, and you can emerge stronger. The journey isn't easy, it may seem impossible, but it's on this very journey you can reclaim hope. It's all consuming, but it doesn't have to define your future. It takes time, but knowing there is a possibility of brighter days, that in itself brings hope. When there was no hope, just being able to let yourself believe that it exists means recovery is possible. Just being able to believe makes you feel stronger on the inside. God heard you through the silence, when you had no voice, you called on Him and he answered. That isn't a concept, that isn't just a statement, that in itself takes away some of the numbness. 

Taking the small steps, maybe it's getting up and out of bed by 8:30am seems like a simple goal. But it's not so simple when you can do it for three days in a row, and on the fourth day you just can't get out of bed. It's not so simple to try it again, but you do, and eventually it's more than possible, it's a routine. Fostering the fears, be it therapy, medication, meditation, or praying, it can happen. Knowing it can happen, knowing there's hope, knowing there's a possibility that you'll be able to speak changes your life. 









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